Freedom from mental illness.

Whenever I imagine the word “freedom”, this image is what I see in my mind. Even at times when I feel absolutely crap and need to unload/vent my frustrations, again, I think of standing on a roof top and shouting at the top of my lungs. There’s something about it that’s incredibly liberating, helps me feel relief and unshackled from my brain.

I’ve always said to myself, there will come a day when I’m in such a better place in my life and I’m going to climb a mountain or cliff somewhere and then look out onto the landscape and horizon and breathe. Just be. Smile and take in the life that surrounds me. And there’s gonna be that same sense of relief.

That will be my own personal symbol of “shit, I made it, I actually did it” despite the difficulty and times I thought I never would. I’ll stand there with such an ease. Like the hugest burden has been lifted off of me and everything in and outside of myself can just let go of the tension it’s been holding. Like that sensation you get when you drop your shoulders and adjust your posture after having been hunched and locked for so long. You relax and think how the hell did I stay in that uncomfortable position all that time? How did I not notice?

And for a large majority, that feeling is what keeps me going. Although at times I doubt I can, I can see it so clearly in my head. I know where I currently am is not it for me. I know this is not all there is. And my negative pessimistic thoughts look to my struggles and how things have declined over the years to show me reasons why I can’t do it. Sometimes I succumb to this worry. For years I had no hope. But despite where I am now, I’m so grateful I no longer see complete hopelessness anymore. I was in a very dark place, suicide had crossed my mind on multiple occasions, I had nothing left in me to push.

I really don’t know what pulled me out of that. I think it’s because I realised, I didn’t actually want my life to end. I wanted the struggles to end and that felt like the only way I’d achieve that. But I have something in me now. A vision, a fire, a determination. Im in abit of a funk right now, but it’ll pass. There’s too much to do and experience. We’ll get there.

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