Why is it we’re always so hard on ourselves? We can never seem to be happy about what we do, proud of our accomplishments. I know that for me, do I even consider them accomplishments at all? We belittle our achievements and make them seem small, menial, insignificant. And yet when it comes to others, we’re ready and waiting to sing their praises, try and get them to see that the tiniest thing is worth celebrating.
More so with OCD. My OCD hates compliments of any kind. It doesn’t like me being told i’ve done well or I’ve accomplished something big or small. It pokes at me, tries to put me down, tell me what I did was nothing, wasn’t something worth recognising and that all the people around me are lying. That even I’m lying to myself in possibly feeling somewhat good and positive about it. It becomes a matter of breaking rules or feeling like i’ve done something wrong. Because no I’m not “allowed” to feel good about something I did, and why is that? Because it’s a step, a symbol of me breaking free from my OCD and it absolutely hates that.
OCD is like a parasite. It needs a host to survive. Without that, it cannot live. It will die and cease to exist like any other physical parasite would in the real world. Without me, it cannot survive, let alone thrive. So when I do things well, when I move closer to pushing back at it, going against it, confronting it, that’s just it getting further away from me and closer to death. It’ll then use every tactic in the book to make me feel bad. Anything it possibly can to belittle what I’ve done, to make me feel crappy, to put out that positive light I felt for a moment.
It’s why I don’t ever say things like “I’m proud i did that” or “I’m proud I was able to do that” because I get afraid that the minute I say something like that, my OCD is ready and waiting to swoop in and try to make things worse for me. Increase my thoughts, images and anxiety so that I slip backwards again.
But I can’t and won’t let it do that anymore because otherwise I’ll constantly be stuck in the same place or be worse. Maybe I don’t have to explicitly say I’m proud, but as long as I don’t let my OCD pull me back down, that’s all that matters.